*Sigh*

I hate feeling sad, I hate the feeling of disappointment and of not belonging somewhere. I hate feel sorry for someone. I know my heart is fragile and tiny. I care for all those who are around me and it breaks my heart deep down that people do not know their worth, how people sell themselves short for a moment's pleasure.

I am my mother's daughter and I am worth more than any man can offer me. I love him yes ow I do but I love myself more. I may not understand the true meaning of love nor know how it feels like to be truly loved but nothing hurts more than selling yourself short. What is a moment's pleasure worth?

There are many things in life we are not meant to understand, feel or appreciate. We hate others when they have never hurt us in any way possible. We lose ourselves in the mist in the attempt to fit into society's standards. To be accepted by those we put on the high seat...

Where has self worth gone to? What does it mean to have self worth? SELF WORTH?

We have come so far yet we are still were we have started. Back to where we swore we would never be again. Back at base one...

I think I really needed to vent out more than to write something with sense. I know it has been a while since I have posted something up. So here it goes: Ladies we are worth more than diamonds and gold. Money has no value on us. Lets not seek to be equals to men and seek to be above all that we do.

"According to thy Faith for I am bound"

So we go to sleep having no guarantee of tomorrow. We set our alarm clocks to wake us up each time. This is what faith is called. Having no perfect knowledge of all things but hoping and knowing that these things will happen.

So today I was lucky enough to wake up late for church and still have the burning desire to go. I took my shower in no rush may I add and got dressed, blow dried my hair and styled it. I guess you can see that I took my time. I left my room at the same time as the service was to start. I journeyed on and I got into a taxi. To my surprise it was playing gospel music.

In between the conversation I was having with the driver, I was lucky enough to get the message in the song. The song went something like this; " God will deliver unto us according to our faith". It got me to think How much is God bound unto me? How can I expect great miracles from Him yet I do not do my part?

I was hurt and I knew that today I did not need to go to church and listen to the speakers but the Lord had delivered His message unto me. I was shocked at my selfishness and shamed to even say I am a daughter of God. He only asks of us (me) to keep His commandments and He will bless us. We go to sleep having asked from Him great things yet to keep His commandment to LOVE ONE ANOTHER, we fail to do that.

Today my lesson did not come in a blue box with a red ribbon, it came with a man who drove a white quantum. God's message is waiting around you wrapped in all different shades. Be willingly to know and ye shall know.

Roles change

So through these past years, I have watched myself grow into this marvellous young woman. One whom is unshaken and remains strong. I have watched some of my friends grow in front of me- changing in all different forms and directions.

So I remember back in primary, first day of school. I met a girl named Lusanda Mdolo, who made my primary years worthwhile. She was with me through all those years- through the highs and the lows. She would change from time to time, and I'd also change but still we would remain. My heart was hers and I had her heart. But I could never accept that people would come and share of this friendship. I wanted it to be just us. I guess my jealousy tendencies were from birth!

Today I sit on this chair typing realizing that there is more to friendship than sharing secrets and keeping them to yourself. Friendship is not about whom you can trust to keep your secrets but rather than who will remain loyal. Someone that is going to love, care and nature your growth. Friends should be those people who will impact your life both positively and negatively but mostly hopefully just positively. Those people who will be there for you always even through distance and time...

Friendship mainly "ends" because of the misunderstanding that led to the friendship. And once friends now understand each other they breakup. We should not remember that we have each other in our lives when we need something. I've basically come a conclusion that the people we know in our lives do not disappear or leave us, but they roles just change. Like with our parents, when we were born they had to clean up after us, bathe us and feed us. Now that we all grown what are they to do? Roles change and that is something we need to accept in life. Change is good like a holiday. It is not a disease.

I have never claimed perfection

So its been a while and a lot has happened. It has been an eventful weekend, filled with mistakes and lessons learnt. I guess I still have a lot to learn about myself and things that mean or add value to the real me.

So right now I am really pissed at a certain someone- because I have never claimed perfection but a simple mistake has changed the person's view of me. Something I have noticed about people is that they are quick to judge you without knowing the real reason behind an event or an incident. Well I know I should also be a bit better but I can't help it at times... I know I can not also blame people for what they view of me because at the end of the day it is what I let them know, that they base their judgements on.

It hurts when the "little" someone thought of you is erased by something so stupid. So today at lunch I learnt a valuable lesson: Don't get attached because you can't claim your heart back. Have fun because in the end that is all that matters.